It Only Hurts When I Breathe
by AdenaMentzel
Summary: Mark is left reeling after seeing Addison and Alex after their rendezvous. He only ever really loved Addison, but he never really had a chance...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** So, after watching tonight's episode...I had to do it. Poor Mark :( So I thought I'd give his POV a shot. It's kind of OOC...I know it doesn't capture a lot of real "man-whore" Mark, but I feel like...there is more to him. Don't worry, I'll bring the man-whore in as the story progresses. This is the history thus far before I take it in my own direction (and yeah, I'm keeping it Grey's despite the fact that the Addison spinoff pilot it within next week's Grey's...only inasmuchas MADDISON.) This was going to be a one-shot...but I want to keep them together, and I feel like there might be potential. Also, I'm thinking of doing another story exploring ADDISEX (leave a comment in review if interested). Anyway, this is Maddison, so no pairing hating.

PLEASE REVIEW!!!! I hope you like it...

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Addison Forbes Montgomery always knew what she wanted. And she always got what she wanted, too...in all areas of her life from the bedroom to her career, she had everything that she wanted. When it came to Mark Sloan, she had him wrapped around her little finger, even though she refused to acknowledge it. He was a sucker, and he would do anything possible to get her to be with him, no matter what it took, which is why when Mark saw her leaving the supply closet with Alex Karev, and the sex hair that he, Mark Sloan, should have been giving her at the end of their sixty days, his heart shattered into a million pieces. Addison had been leading him on, and had truly made him believe that he stood a chance with her. But seeing her with Karev, and the glow that she had about her, the aura of sheer joy, Mark knew that he never stood a chance. Perhaps he had known it all along and had been merely avoiding acknowledging it, but in the moment it was perfectly clear to him that she no longer wanted him-- if she ever actually had wanted him, that is.

This is why Mark found himself at the Emerald City Bar that night, alone, drinking himself into oblivion. He was trying to forget Addison Forbes Montgomery-- everything about her. He didn't even want to remember the good times with her when they were just friends, before it all went to shit, because if he had told himself the truth, he would have known that he was in love with her all along. From the first time that Mark Sloan saw Addison Montgomery, he fell in love with her-- and he was not one of those wishy-washy types who believed in true love and all of that shit. All he knew was that this woman, this fiery, feisty red-head was different. She was the one. He could see himself settling down and raising children with this woman...doing the dad thing all the way, and barbecuing-- the whole deal. Everything that he had never thought that he wanted. Well, granted, that wasn't all just from looking at her, but after he had spent a few hours with her, he knew that he wanted to be with this woman for the rest of his life.

When Mark found out that Derek seeing Addison, his heart broke. Being the manly man-whore that he was, he couldn't admit to Derek that he wanted Addison to be more to him than just a one-night stand. Truthfully, he had even been reluctant to bring her home after the bar that night-- after having talked to her for hours, he knew that she was better than that-- but once the alcohol and the head between his legs started steering, he couldn't control himself...there was no denying that Addison was incredibly attractive, and she had probably never been turned down for. Honestly, most of the female population would have agreed to have sex with her if asked. She was that hot.

If Mark could pin-point the single worst moment in his life, it would have been when Derek told him that he was going out with "that red-head". Derek Shepherd said it so simply, so matter-of-factly, as if it were perfectly appropriate to just go after whomsoever Mark had happened to sleep with the previous night, without even bothering to ask Mark how he felt about it, of if he had any interest in continuing a relationship with her.

Granted, few relationships that are started by one-night stand amount to anything significant, but Shep stole whatever chance that Mark might have had right out from under his nose. As Mark watched the two lovebirds get more and more serious about each other, it felt as though a stake were being driven through his heart. When Derek announced their engagement, Mark's only defense was to behave as the jackass that he was. By maintaining his rough man-image, he was able to keep up appearances while deep down all he wanted to do was hit something.

It was completely unfair that the three would-be doctors became like the three musketeers. Mark was getting closer and closer to Addison, but she was always just out of reach. She was Derek's, and he got to do all the things with her that Mark could only ever dream of doing. Mark wanted to take care of her, make love to her, all of the romantic things that Derek was doing, that Derek had always done. Mark never felt like Derek's relationship with Addison was all that different from any of his relationships with other women-- he was always the hopeless romantic, but somewhere along the way he would get bored and pull away, whereas for Mark, this desire to be romantic and eventually settle down was all brand-new. It was special, but because of Derek Shepherd, Mark was not even being given a fair shot. He wasn't allowed to do all of the things that he longed so much to do.

Derek and Addison's wedding had been absolutely torturous for poor Mark, who had to suffer through being the best man at the ceremony and as such offer his best wishes to the happy couple during the reception. Fortunately for him, his tears were taken as tears of happiness and sincerity rather than the deep and all-encompassing sorrow that he felt, which he then attempted to drink away the best he could on champagne. All he really wanted was some hard liquor to drown his sorrows in.

While Derek and Addison were on their honeymoon, Mark practically lived in the local bar. He was bringing home a different girl every night, sometimes more than one girl a night, but no matter what he did, or who he did, he couldn't seem to get his mind off of his best friend's new wife, and it was killing him. He didn't want to let down his best friend like that, but he couldn't do anything about it. He was truly and deeply in love with his best friend's wife, and that was the end of that.

When Derek began burying himself in his work and ignoring Addison, it pissed Mark off more than he ever had been before in his life-- even more than he hated his father for abusing his mother. Addison did not deserve the way that Derek treated her-- not even a dog deserved to be neglected that way. Mark watched Addison wither as she struggled to keep up her appearance and failed, completely unbeknownst to her oblivious husband. Mark, being in love with Addison and still Derek's best friend, had been there to pick up the pieces. He soothed her when she cried herself to sleep, whether at the Shepherd home or via telephone, he made sure she made it home all right after a long night of drinking. He reminded her to eat on a daily basis, and held back her hair when she vomited. He held her when she cried. He promised her that Derek loved her and that he would come around.

After several years of despicable treatment, Addison couldn't take anymore. She would have done anything to be seen by her husband in any capacity. He had barely spoken to her in over half a year, and she was beginning to go completely insane. One night, she drank too much and came up with a plot to get Derek to notice her. She begged Mark to sleep with her relentlessly, sobbing and completely distraught. Mark tried to be the good friend and tell her that he couldn't do it, that it wasn't right, but she kept throwing herself at him. It broke Mark's heart to see his Addison so upset, and hurting so deeply. He couldn't say no to her when she was in this kind of state, and quite frankly would have done absolutely anything for her. So he slept with her. And they got caught...the one night that Derek finally decided to make an appearance in his own home.

After Derek left, Addison refused to speak to Mark or do anything, but Mark would not let her go. He loved her too much, and if he left her alone, he knew that she would self-destruct, and he was not willing to let that happen to the one woman that he had ever truly loved. Though she loathed him during those months, he took care of her, even when she fought him tooth and nail. Her husband never came back for her, so Mark supported her throughout that time without a promise of the future or the relationship that he longed for, or even a guarantee of sexual benefits. Even though he honestly thought that he might have a chance, getting into Addison's pants was (usually) the furthest thing from his mind. She let him believe that there was a possibility, and that was all that he needed.

When Addison left for Seattle, Mark was incapable of functioning. She hadn't told him that she was going, she had just up and left, leaving him a note. When finally he tracked her down, and found out that she had gone after his douchebag of an ex-best friend, he was panicked, not only because he thought he would "lose" her (even though she was never really "his"), but more importantly because he feared that Shep would do the same thing as before, only this time he had something to throw in her face whenever he needed to. Once again, Mark offered his services to pick up the pieces. Mostly sexual healing. He was selfish, and he knew it, but he needed Addison, in whatever capacity he could have her.

When Addison proposed the sixty-day deal, Mark thought that he was really going to get the opportunity that he had waited for for such a long time. He thought that she was actually serious about letting him in just as plain old Mark, not as a substitute Derek or a booty-call. He made the mistake of thinking that she actually wanted to work things out. Mark knew that he was no saint, and he had screwed up things between the two of them the last time that they gave it a go by cheating on Addison, but that was only because he needed to protect himself. He knew that she wasn't really in it, and if he screwed it up first, then he could keep his heart intact. It was the only way to keep himself safe, and after so much pain, he knew it was the only way that he could survive.

It felt like deja vu all over again when he saw Addison and Alex leave the on-call room after their little escapade. Addison's rumpled clothing and sex hair had been what really gave them away, not to mention that they both exited at approximately the same time. Mark's heart was really shattered, and there was nothing that he could do to fix it. The only thing that he could do was save face, so that was exactly what he did.

Not wanting to be a liar, and still having it in for Shepherd for hurting Addie the way that he did (not to mention that she was his only real "friend", and the most inexcusable person he could fornicate with), Mark asked Meredith if she would have sex with him, the "Dirty Mistresses Club" and all, but she shut him down. He didn't know what to do about it. He might have been tempted to tell Meredith everything if he had been a woman and she hadn't been liable to tell Shep the first chance she got.

If Meredith wouldn't have sex with him, Mark didn't think it worth the effort to get one of the nurses to sleep with him. He didn't have the energy, he was just hurt-- truly, deeply hurt, and there was no way to repair that damage, although he was sure that Addison had no intention of trying. She didn't care about him-- she cared about herself and her own happiness (for once), and he wasn't going to get in the way of that. So he removed himself from the situation the only way that he knew how-- the man-whore way.

So Mark lied to Addison. He told her that he had slept with someone else, that he had broken the pact. It was easier than having to look into her eyes and see the pain that contorted her gorgeous face as she told him what she had done, which he was positive that she would have done-- if nothing else, Addison was an honest person. She was even telling him that they needed to talk about things, which could mean nothing else other than that she was going to tell him that things wouldn't work out. So he beat her to it.

Mark's speech was a bit harsher than it maybe should have been, and he was almost certain that she could tell that he knew she had slept with Karev, he could see the guilt starting to cloud her features, but he didn't give her a concrete reason to suspect that he knew, but he was intense. He basically told her that she was a whore by calling himself one for "doing" what she had, but he was hurt and entitled to be. She had hurt him more deeply than anyone else could have. Why couldn't she have just told him from the start they had no chance? Had she really felt vulnerable and unloved enough to have used him simply because he loved her unconditionally? She had just been hurt that Derek loved Meredith so much more than he had loved her for years, and she wasn't confident enough in herself to believe that Karev would find her desirable. She had used him as a security blanket, not taking his feelings into consideration. Perhaps it was his fault for having been to accessible, too unconditional. Now all he had was a broken heart that he wasn't sure he could mend.

The worst part, though, was that even after she had wronged him so horribly, he still could not feel an ounce of anger towards her, all he felt was the same pure, overwhelming love that he had always felt in her presence. She was his air, and without her, he couldn't breathe...he had no chance for survival. And she was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** So, here's chapter two. I hope you like it...it's kind of filler, but w/o. Please R&R!

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When Mark went into work the next morning, he had every intention of finding Addison to see how she was doing. The previous night he had overheard Karev and Jane Doe discussing the mistake that he had made and what he had said to Addison the previous night, the way that he had rejected her when that wasn't his intention, however Alex knew that he wasn't in the same place in his life as she was in hers. He wasn't prepared to be a father and to do all of the things that Addison wanted of him. He didn't want to go into a relationship with the expectations of a family and a commitment weighing down on him, especially when he wasn't sure that Addison was the one that he wanted to be with.

Mark had undergone serious restraint to keep from bursting into the room and beating the stupid intern to a pulp. Karev was the only person who could make Addison truly happy right now, and Mark was certain that Addison would not be able to stand another heartbreak. At first he was afraid of what she might do-- she had attempted suicide under his watch before, and that being true, he had called her many times the night before, prior to drinking his thoughts into oblivion, but he convinced himself that she wouldn't try that again.

He went up to her room when he returned to the hotel and sat outside the door for most of the night, he was sure, listening to her crying, sobbing really, but sobbing was good. Sobbing meant that she was still alive, which meant that he had a chance to fix her, for her own sake. He wanted to be a real friend to Addison, if that was all he could be because there was no way that Mark would be able to continue with his life without her in it. There would really be no point. Without Addison, Mark would just be a man-whore for the rest of his life, because he knew that nobody else could compare. Addison was the whole picture-- he could see him being a father to Addison's children, but without her he couldn't see himself with children, he couldn't see himself settled or married if Addison was not the woman he was with. He was prepared to give anything to keep her in his life.

Mark had fallen asleep in front of Addison's door, awakening to the sound of a thump in the room, and a grunt, indicating that Addison was attempting to get up, but finding it extremely difficult after the tears she had cried and undoubtedly the ungodly amount of alcohol that she, too, had consumed, although for entirely different reasons than he had. At that point he had retired to his own room, for the sole purpose of showering and changing his clothes. Mark had always had an incredible ability to hold his liquor and appear unscathed after serious drinking. It added to his man-whore image, he knew, but that was fine with him.

Once he had put himself back together, looking as steamy as ever, he headed back to the hospital with every intention of finding Addison and talking to her, really talking to her if that were at all possible, which is why, when he discovered that she was nowhere to be found, not was she scheduled for any surgeries, he was concerned and confused. So he approached Richard, knowing that if anyone knew where she was, it would be him.

When Mark approached Richard, the Chief knew that something was up. Sure, he looked just as put together as he ever did, he was in fact the same man, but something was off. Something was wrong, and Richard was sure that something had everything to do with a certain fiery red-head.

"Sloan, what can I do you for?"

"Where is she?"

"Addison is gone," Mark did a double take.

"Gone?" The Chief nodded.

"Got on a plane to LA about twenty minutes ago." Mark was distraught. There was nothing he could do for her if she left. He fought to keep the emotion out of his voice, but it was clearly evident through his eyes.

"Why?" Richard looked at the shell of a man in front of him. He could see now what was so different about the man before him. He was not Mark Sloan, he was no longer a man. He was just a robot, he could function physically, but something inside him had died. He no longer held himself as proudly, the hint of mischief was absent from his eyes. Addison had the power to do that to him, and Addison alone.

Richard understood trued love more thoroughly than many other men, and that being so understood that Mark would never be whole without Addison, because there was no way that he would survive without her. That was what his relationship with Ellis had been like. He had needed her more than he needed air, and it was ridiculous. It wasn't to say that Richard hadn't also loved his wife, but Adele was more of...he loved her, but not with the same intensity. It was hard to explain, but Richard understood. Which was why he told Mark, even though he had promised Addison that he wouldn't. Besides, it was for Addison's own good, as far as Richard could tell. Richard took Mark into his office with him and shut the door.

"Listen, Sloan, I know that you and Addison were working on having a relationship, and she told me about the little pact that you two had, and she wanted me to tell you not to worry about her, and that she will be fine. She didn't want me to tell you where she went or why, but I'm going to because even though I never thought I would say this, I believe that she is being foolish to leave you the way that she did. And I understand your position in all of this, and I understand you pain. Addison left for LA because she doesn't feel that there is anything left for her here, and though I have told her time and time again, she still seems to be focusing her life around the men that are in it, not herself. That being said, yesterday she was hurt and felt rejected by what you said. Or so she told me. But I am no idiot, Sloan, especially when it comes to what goes on in my hospital. I know that you didn't sleep with anyone yesterday, and you haven't for the entire course of this deal. I also know that she had sex with Alex Karev yesterday, and that he rejected her afterwards. I don't know why she does this, but she seems to seek out punishment and disappointment. Regardless, what she said is that she is giving up on pursuing the ideal family image that she always had. She wants a family, Sloan, and she is trying to do that all on her own. I don't need to tell you how ridiculous that is. She needs someone to provide a sane point of view, because this is crazy." Richard then provided him with the information as to where she would be staying. Mark stood to leave. "Oh, and Sloan, one more thing," Mark turned around.

"Yes, Chief?"

"Don't do anything stupid." Mark looked at him quizzically, but brushed it off.

"I won't let you down."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** I'm sorry this is so short...and filler-y. I promise that my next update will be longer, but this chapter was necessary. Hopefully update will be up shortly, too. PLEASE R&R!!!

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When Mark arrived at LAX, he seemed to be in a trance. He was in the same robotic state that Richard had found him in earlier that morning, although the prospect of seeing Addie had given him more purpose in life. It gave him a reason to keep breathing. Mark had only brought a carry-on bag with him, not anticipating that he would be staying for very long, although with the salary of a famous plastic surgeon, it wasn't as thought it would be impossible for him to acquire and material possession that he could possibly need during his visit. That being said, he also hadn't really been thinking about packing as he was packing. All he had been able to think about since the previous day's encounter was Addison. He needed to see her again.

Mark rented a car and drove to the hotel that Addison was staying at. LA was more of a driving city than any other city he had ever visited, especially given that he had lived in Manhattan for such a long time.

Los Angeles didn't seem very Addison to Mark, although really the only city that seemed like Addison within the United States was New York, and it was highly doubtful that she would ever return there in light of all that had happened there, namely the dissolution of her marriage. It was a shame because Addison fit in so well there, although on the other hand, Mark rather enjoyed the Addison that he had gotten to know in Seattle. Granted, she was very much the same Addison as the one in New York, but she seemed to be a little bit less snooty and less of a trust fund baby, not that she had ever been terribly conceited or stuck up, it was just that Seattle was less glitz and glamour, and thus there was really no need to behave in that way, but the small difference had not gone unnoticed by Mark.

When Mark got to the hotel, he managed to convince the young receptionist at the desk to tell him which room Addison was staying in by telling her that he was Addison's fiance, not to mention that his sheer sexual charm still had the power to win women over. It was funny, really, that he had flown all the way to LA just to do the same thing that he had done the previous night in Seattle-- sit outside the door to her hotel room and make sure she was okay.

The woman at the desk had offered to give him a room key so that he could go in to surprise his fiancee, however Mark declined. He wanted to be face to face with her as soon as she got back from wherever she was, assuming that she was already out-- Mark knew that she would have gone to check out whatever hospital or private practice that was her reason for coming all the way out her in the first place before she would have even dreamed about going into the hotel room or taking a nap.

It was more than likely that Addison had come to the hotel, dropped off her bags, touched up her makeup and headed straight out the door again. He had paid attention to every little minute detail of her personality from the very first day that he had met her, and though she didn't seem to realize it, he knew more about Addison than he knew about himself.

Mark had been sitting leaning up against the door to Addison's hotel room for only about two hours when she arrived-- two hours of Mark getting nervous every time that he saw that the elevator was coming up-- and while they were probably the longest two hours of his life, it had still only been two hours. When he saw her get off of the elevator, he could feel his heart pounding quickly against his ribcage. He didn't know what he was going to say when she got there-- in all the time from when he first found out until this very moment in time, he hadn't been able to think of anything spectacular to say that would make her want to come back to him, or make her fall in love with him. Which is why, when Addison approached the door, all he could think of to say when she glared at him was "hi".


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Here we go...R&R, please.

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Addison had reluctantly let Mark into her room. Mark knew that he had taken a chance in coming out here, but if he hadn't he would have been letting himself down, and the Chief, but more than anything, he wanted to make sure that Addison wasn't about to do anything that she might regret. More than anything, Mark wanted her to be happy.

She had looked less than pleased to see him, which he had expected, being that he wasn't even supposed to know where she had gone. He was supposed to be completely in the dark, and that was supposed to be fine. Somehow she was still oblivious to the fact that she was and always would be his entire world.

Once in the hotel room, Mark sat down on the bed nervously, not quite entirely sure what to do at the moment. Addison's eyes were shooting daggers, and he knew that he had to come up with something fast-- she looked impatient and overall unhappy.

"Addison, I just came to make sure that you are okay-- that's what I do, that's what I have always done. I would follow you anywhere just to make sure that you are okay. I know that you don't think that I am mature enough or that I would make a good father or even boyfriend for you, and that's fine. I just need to know that you're okay, and that you know what you're doing. I really just want you to be happy, and if you are still convinced you would be happier without me here, then I will leave, but I need to tell you a couple things first."

He had been speaking very quickly, as if he were afraid that Addison would kick him out at any moment. Part way through his speech, Addison had turned to face away from him, which made him very nervous, and when she didn't speak for a long moment, Mark wanted nothing more than to be swallowed up by the ground.

"Addie?" He asked tentatively. When she turned around, there were tears streaming down her face and Mark was taken aback. He didn't know what to say. She tried to wipe the tears away, and cleared her throat in that adorable way that she always did. Mark's heart melted just a little but more. His heart was in his throat as he awaited a response from Addison.

"Mark...I...I don't know what to say. I'm glad you came." A sob escapes her throat as she concludes the sentence. Mark is confused by the outburst, but takes Addison into his arms, trying to calm her down. After several minutes, she calms down and the tears subside, but Mark is still concerned.

"Addie, what was that all about?" He asks softly, searching her eyes for an answer. She sighed.

"I just don't know what I am doing anymore!" she cried, throwing her hands up in frustration. I thought that I had everything all figured out, but...I guess I didn't...and now everything is just so...so...argh!"

"What do you mean everything? Do you mean Karev?" Addison looked taken aback, as though she were surprised that he had been perceptive enough to pick up on what she had wanted out of Karev, although in her defense, she didn't know that Mark had seen them walking out of the on-call room together looking flushed and frazzled.

"Um...well, yeah I guess. I thought, you know, that he would be in it for the long haul, you know? I don't know why...it was just something that Callie said. I mean, at first I just thought that he was another man-whore...no offense...but something about him changed my mind. I don't know what it was. I guess spending enough time in the NICU will make anyone go a little soft, I mean, how could you not love a baby, right? I just...I need to settle down. I'm getting old, Mark. I want it all. I want kids and mini-vans and barbecues, but I don't think it's going to happen for me."

Addison's fists were tightly clenched and she was clearly worked up-- her entire body was tense and her face was slightly flushed. Tears were pouring down her face steadily, and Mark was completely at a loss for words. He didn't know what to do or say, so he took her into his arms gently and gently rubbed her back. When her crying had calmed down to sniffles, he pulled back.

"Addison...I have to talk to you about something."

"Mark…" she said, anticipating what he was going to say, but he put a hand up.

"No, I have to be honest with you," he sighed, "okay. You know how I told you that I slept with someone?" She groaned.

"Please do not tell me that you slept with Meredith Grey…" He laughed at the apparent disgust in her eyes. He also found it ironic that she should say that since technically he had propositioned Meredith, however he hadn't mean it. He didn't want to sleep with Meredith-- she was too waif-like for his taste, not to mention that she was like, twelve years old. And Derek would never forgive him for sleeping with yet another one of his women. It just wouldn't be right, especially now that Derek was starting to treat him civilly. No, the reason why he had propositioned her was because he wanted to talk to her. He wanted advice, but Mark Sloan had never been one to ask for help-- so he got attention the only way that he knew how to.

"No, Addison, I did not sleep with Meredith Grey…" he said, his signature smirk creeping across his face.

"Thank God!" she exclaimed in relief, bringing her hand up to her chest. He shook his head, rolling his eyes.

"Addison, I didn't have sex with anyone. I lied to you." She narrowed her eyes.

"Seriously?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. He nodded. "Why did you do that?"

"I knew about you and Alex, Addison. I saw you leaving the on-call room together. I didn't want you to have to suffer. I could tell when you said that you wanted to talk that it was over. I knew that it was killing you that you didn't follow through on the deal, and I didn't want you to be hurting because you looked happy, and it seemed like you knew what you wanted. I didn't want to mess that up. But later on, I heard Karev talking to Jane Doe...er...Ava, whatever her name is, talking about how he had rejected you, I just needed to know that you were okay...so I went to the hotel. I sat outside your door all night, but I couldn't knock. I didn't want to bother you, but I had to be there. I had to make sure that you weren't going to do anything drastic. I would have never been able to forgive myself."

"Oh, Mark…" her eyes were filled with tears. "But...why are you telling me this now?"

"I thought that I could walk away, Addison, I really did. That was what I was trying to do. I was trying to make a clean break. I wanted to leave you be, because you didn't want me, but I heard what Alex and Ava were talking about. I didn't know that you wanted a family, and I didn't know that you thought he could do that for you. Addison, I can be what you need me to be, and I know that you may not believe it, but I want those things, too. I want to play catch, Addison and barbecue and dress up like Santa or whatever the hell good fathers do, and more than anything...I want to be with you."

"Am I hearing you right? You want a family?" she inquired, clearly amused. He nodded.

"I told you Addison, my days as a man-whore are over. I will do right by you, I promise. I would never hurt you, you know that, right?"

"Uh huh. How did you know I was here? Was it Richard? Oh my God it was Richard-- what did he tell you?" She looked panicked.

"He told me everything, I think. About how you were so desperate to have a child. He's worried about you, Addison, and quite frankly, I am too. I need to know that you are okay and that you aren't about to do something crazy." She groaned and walked over to the corner of the room, putting her head into it and hitting it there a couple times.

"What is wrong with you everybody? I am a grown woman, for Christ's sake, not a china doll! I am not fragile and I am certainly capable of making my own decisions."

"Addie…" he walked over to her, but she whipped around.

"No, no, Mark! Just because Karev doesn't want me does not mean that I'm letting you in! Just because he hurt me does not mean that you get to be my knight in shining armor. It doesn't wok that way."

"Addison."

"Please go."

"No, Addison. You are being ridiculous. I want to be with you, but that's not why I am here. I love you, and you are my best friend. I can't just leave you. I just need to be here for you, and I will not let you push me away. You are not alone, and I refuse to let you feel that you are. When are you going to learn that that is unhealthy? Running away is not going to solve anything, and I know that you are just going to beat yourself up about Alex. This is not the solution, and I don't know what is, but I want to help you out." She leaned back against the wall.

"But I don't deserve this. Why can't you just hate me for what I did like the old Mark would have?"

"How many times do I have to tell you this? I am not that man anymore."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** not very long, I know, but hopefully the next chapter will also be up tonight. Please review!

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After their initial conversation, Mark and Addison said little to one another for the rest of the day. Addison had stormed off into the bathroom and locked herself in for a while. Mark could hear her crying, and wanted more than anything to hold her and console her, but if she wanted space, then he would let her have her space. He sat on the other side of the door, waiting for her to come out.

The bathroom door jolted Mark's back at around one thirty in the morning, waking him up.

"Ads?"

"Mark? What are you doing over here? Why didn't you..leave or got to sleep or something? That can't be comfortable."

"Addison, I told you I wasn't leaving." She sighed.

"Yeah but I thought-- never mind. Just go to sleep. You must be exhausted." He nodded reluctantly,

"Yeah, I guess I am." When he didn't leave, she realized that he probably didn't have a room and hadn't fully thought his trip through, and didn't have anywhere to stay.

"Fine, you can sleep in this bed with me, but I swear to God if you touch me, you die." Mark nodded silently, peeling off his clothing until all he was wearing were boxers. Addison had to force herself to look away, and Mark smiled inwardly. He climbed in to the bed gently beside her, hugging the edge of the bed to stay as far away from her as possible and still stay on the bed. He didn't dare to move from his position until her breathing evened out and he was positive that she was asleep. He sat up gently and just watched her sleep, entranced by her beauty. More than that, though, he was amazed by how much she had changed over the past several weeks. Even in her sleep, she was not at peace. Her body was still tense, and her forehead was creased. her slight wrinkles seemed more prominent-- it seemed as if she had aged drastically almost overnight. Mark had known that she was unhappy, but he hadn't known how much she had been hurting.

Mark reached out to cradle her face gently, tracing the delicate lines at the corners of her eyes, beating himself up mentally for not having noticed her pain. He had only made things more difficult for her, and that was certainly was not his intention. He desperately wanted to make things right.

When the morning came, Mark was fairly certain that he hadn't gotten any sleep at all. He grunted and got up off of the bed, walking over to the tiny two cup coffee maker, examining the coffee that was provided disapprovingly. He went out in search of more acceptable coffee, which ended up being just a few blocks from the hotel. When he returned, coffee in hand, he found Addison, awake, sitting on the bed and staring at the wall. She didn't seem to have noticed his presence, so he cleared his throat, which caused her to jump.

"Addison, are you okay?" he asked, brow furrowing slightly. She nodded and accepted the coffee that he handed to her gratefully. As she took the cup, their fingers brushed. Just that slight contact sent sparks shooting through his body. He sat on the edge of the bed right beside her, looking her in the eye. It was then that he noticed that they were bloodshot and her face was tearstained. "Addison…"

"I can't do it." He looked at her uncertainly, and was vaguely concerned that she really wanted him gone.

"What?" Her face became flushed and her shoulders tensed suddenly. "Addison. Addison listen to me. Breathe. Breathe for me, okay?" Her breathing was labored and she was clutching her stomach, her body doubled over in pain, trembling and sweating. She whimpered, and Mark lifted her gently and slid himself further onto the bed, placing her between his legs, her feet on the ground and gently pressing her head down between her knees. "Breathe." Addison attempted to breathe more regularly, which caused her to start coughing, which paired with her nausea and tenseness caused her to vomit. Vomiting on the floor upset her further, causing her to start crying, making it even more difficult for her to breathe.

Mark lifted her carefully, taking her into the bathroom where he turned on the faucet as cold as it would go, wetting a washcloth. He massaged her back as he carried her, trying to get her to calm down and set her down on the floor. He put the cold cloth on her face, then began rubbing her back. She calmed after a few minutes, completely exhausted. She allowed herself to fall back against his chest.

He pulled her into his arms, her body practically limp in his arms. He set her on the other side of the bed and called down to the front desk to get someone to clean up her vomit from the other side. When he came back over to the bed, she was fast asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** Here it is! Sorry it took so long. Please R&R!

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When Addison awoke a couple of hours later, Mark was sitting beside her. The television was on softly, and though he was facing the screen, he wasn't paying attention to the program that was on. When he felt her shift beside him, her turned to look at her, needing to know what she wasn't telling him.

"Hey. How are you feeling?" He asked. She cleared her throat, grimacing.

"Okay," she offered, her voice thick with sleep, "been better."

"What was that all about, Addison? That was the worst I've ever seen it." She groaned, dropping her head against the headboard.

"I don't want to talk about it, Mark. Leave it be."

"You were going to tell me, Ads, and you still are. I can't let this go."

"Mark…" she said, grabbing on to his shoulder desperately, starting to panic again.

"You're okay, you can do this. Breathe," he said supportively, pulling her against him and rubbing her back. Her body relaxed as she drew deep breaths, "good girl." She pushed against his chest, sliding herself back.

"I can't," she paused, taking a deep breath, trying to stay calm, "I can't get pregnant." He opened his mouth to say something, but she held out a hand. "Physically, I can't get pregnant. Ironic, isn't it? I'm probably just getting what I deserve. It's just...poetic, isn't it?" she laughs bitterly.

"Addison…"

"No, don't...don't _do _that! You _can't_ be nice to me after that. You're pissed at me, and you hate me because I killed our child. And now? Now my FSH levels are too high and my antral follicle count is two. Two! No fertility potential. At all."

"Oh, Addie…" he wrapped his arms around her, and she struggled, trying to push him away, but he wouldn't relent. Eventually the anger drained out of her body and was replaced by sobbing, she was finally allowing herself to feel. Mark knew that he had to be persistent, and most of the time she needed to feel secure in order to let herself acknowledge her pain, otherwise it would be likely to make her anxiety worse and she would have panic attacks. That was another reason he had stayed outside of her hotel room in Seattle-- he wanted to be there in case something like that should happen.

After a long while, Addison had once again tired herself out. Once she fell asleep, he carefully untangles himself from her long limbs to get her some water, knowing that she will need it when she wakes up. Ideally, it would have helped if she had drank it before she fell asleep, but she was too upset to let him leave to get the water, much less hold a glass steadily enough to drink from it. When she woke up she would probably feel sick and almost hung over from dehydration. Mark was filling a glass in the small suite's kitchenette when her panicked voice rang out through the room.

"Mark?!" He shut off the water, moving quickly back to her side.

"I'm right here, Ads!" he called out in transit, handing the glass to her when he got there. Her body visibly relaxed when she saw him, and she worked to make her breathing return to normal and blink back the tears that had been gathering in her eyes. "You okay?"

"Yeah…" she laughed nervously, "I just...I thought maybe that you left." She looked down nervously, tracing her index finger around the rim of the glass. He put two fingers beneath her chin, tilting her face up to look her in the eye.

"I would never leave you, especially not knowing something like that could happen."

"I wouldn't have blamed you for leaving...I mean, I killed our child without even talking to you and here I am complaining about how I can't have a kid. God, I am such a bitch." Mark forced himself to stay calm and his voice from breaking.

"It's okay, Addison. You didn't want to have a baby with me. I can't blame you for that."

"But you would've wanted one with me! I didn't even consider that you might have been happy about it. I was too busy worrying about being on my own and raising a baby and I was being selfish. I didn't give you a chance!"

"Ads, it's in the past. What's done is done."

"So you are mad." He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"Look, I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't wish you had kept the baby, but I'm not mad at you. You did what you felt you had to do, but I still feel horrible that this happened to you. You didn't deserve this." She turned her attention to drinking the glass of water that he had given her while also fighting back tears. When she finished the water, she placed the glass on the table beside the bed, then slowly raised her eyes to meet his.

"What do I do now?" Mark wrapped his arms around her, letting her know that he would be strong for her so that she could break down.

"Let me hold you."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Sorry this took so long. Don't hate me. Please R&R.

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After a long while, Addison fell asleep in Mark's arms. Although he was still concerned about her, he was glad at least that he had been able to be there for her when she needed him. He had never been one of those people who were particularly intuitive, especially when it came to Addison, so he was glad that he was able to help her in any way possible, and comforting her was one of the things that he had most longed to do ever since he met her. He had never really been able to do that in the past because she wasn't his—she belonged to Derek, and then after Derek left, Mark had felt so much guilt over his actions that he had been unable to be the man that he longed to be. That was why he had cheated on her in New York, among other reasons. He had been afraid to commit, but he also felt as though he had screwed up her life enough by causing her to really lose her husband for good. He didn't want to hurt her any more than he already had. He figured that his best defense would be to push her away by hurting her, which, as he thought back on it now, made no sense, because in trying to protect her from pain, he was merely inflicting a different kind of pain on her. At the time, he had thought that cheating on her would be painful in a much less significant way, and that would thus save her from being completely in love with him and having her heart broken just as it had been with Derek. 

Looking down at the sleeping beauty who was safely encased in his arms, his heart melted just a little bit more. She looked so small, so vulnerable—which was clearly something that no one would have expected of the redheaded Amazon woman who stood at 5'10" even without the four-inch stilettos that she insisted on wearing. She was beautiful, and more beautiful, he thought, in this moment than she had ever been before. She looked so much younger as she lay in his arms; her body was completely relaxed for the first time that he could remember in recent history, even in sleep. He liked to think that it was because he was there for her, he was able to make her feel completely protected and at ease, which was something that he never thought he would be able to provide for anyone. He had always thought that inevitably he would end up like his sad excuse for a father, thus being the one to cause others pain, not relieve it. He had gone into medicine in order escape his father's legacy, but the fact that he had gone into plastics and continued to be a man-whore had voided his attempt as Addison herself had said on many occasions. He thought maybe he was growing up after all, maybe she was just the woman that he needed to turn his life around, and that everything would be okay in the end. He only hoped that he could provide her with everything that she possibly needed. It occurred to him that maybe it wouldn't be quite as hard as he thought, just so long as he kept in mind all of Derek's negative examples and was sure never to be indifferent to her. She needed someone who cared and was persistent when it came to her well being, because she was one of those people who tended not to take very good care of herself, despite the fact that professionally she saved lives. It seemed to Mark that she was the one in need of some saving, especially after what he had just revealed to her.

Mark couldn't lie and say that he didn't feel the least bit angry that Addison had aborted their child, but he could honestly say that she didn't deserve the infertility that had been thrust upon her. She should have had more time. He had been telling the truth when he had assured her that her wishes on the matter trumped his desires, hands down. Being selfless was weird for Mark, and completely out of character, but when it came to Addison, he found himself wanting to be that man. He wanted to be better, and she was the only person that he had ever met who had that effect on him. It was incredible, really, that someone could inspire him so completely that he was motivated to be an entirely different person. He actually liked the person that he was when he was around Addison, which was probably why he had flown after her when she fled New York, and why he had followed her to Los Angeles. Without Addison, his life was pointless, and he was a terrible person, and worse still, he had no motivation to be a better person. He wasn't one of those people who could just motivate himself to be a better person because it was the right thing to do, and that was probably one of his major faults. Addison probably deserved much better than he could offer. She deserved a wonderful man who had far less baggage than Mark himself brought to the equation, however on some level he still believed that he could be good for her. At the very least he was willing to try if she would have him. He only hoped that he wouldn't break her again. She couldn't stand to be broken again—if that happened, she might end up being to far gone to be saved. He couldn't allow that to happen.

Eventually, Mark drifted off, pushing his concerns for the future out of his mind. In this moment, all that mattered was that he was with Addison and that she felt safe in his arms. She had felt comfortable enough with him to confide in him about a topic that was clearly painful for her, well, to be truthful, both of them, and he was not about to betray her trust. All he could do was be there for her and give her all of the support that he could. He had almost forgotten exactly how nice it was to lie in bed beside her, how perfectly their bodies fit together. As he fell asleep, he remembered how at first they had been physically awkward, because she was so tall, which in comparison made him seem short, because truth be told, he wasn't really that tall, he just was just built, which made him seem more like a force to be reckoned with. The memories caused a smile to form on his face as he slipped into the most pleasant and restful slumber that he had experienced in a long time.

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**A/N: **Decidedly not the best thing ever, but I hope you liked it! Please show some love-- it will make me write faster! Also, if you have any thoughts on...anything...feel free to let me know! 


	8. Chapter 8

authors note: so, I am very, very sorry that I am terrible at updating in a timely manner. This semester, I hope to get my time management a little bit more under control so that I have a little bit more time to focus on fanfiction (also known as free time to relax so that I don't go completely and totally insane). Classes start tomorrow, so wish me luck with this plan!

I know that you don't particularly care about my life story, so I hope you like the chapter and PLEASE leave feedback so that I know you still care about this story! I hope you like it!

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Addison awoke the following morning before Mark, which was unsurprising given that she had fallen asleep long before he had. She was disoriented at first, and even more confused as to why it was that Mark Sloan was sleeping in the bed with her—and fully clothed, at that. Slowly she began to remember the events of the previous night. She slapped his arm, effectively waking him up,

"Ow, what was that for?" She grinned crookedly at him,

"I don't know. Seemed like he thing to do at the time." He rolled his eyes,

"So are you feeling any better?" She nodded energetically and he was taken aback by the seemingly sudden shift in her attitude, but made no comments about it—it wasn't like he was complaining. Out of the blue, she smiled and kissed him quickly on the nose before giggling softly. By this point, Mark was completely confused, but he decided to just go with it for the moment. It didn't seem like she was faking her sudden happiness, and even if she was, he would eventually pick up on it and he could call her out on it later.

Before Mark even knew what was going on, Addison had hopped out of the bed and begun to strip on front of him, before going into the bathroom and turning on the shower. He wasn't exactly sure whether or not she wanted him to join her in the shower or had just not really been paying attention to what she was doing, but a couple of minutes later when she emerged with a wicked smile on her face, he knew exactly what she wanted, and was more than willing to oblige. He shucked his clothing and approached the now slightly damp woman who stood in the threshold between the bedroom and the bathroom. He placed his hands on her hips, lowering his face to hers, leaning in to kiss her lightly before moving his mouth to her ear and whispering "are you sure?" She took his hands in hers, leading them up to her breasts before replying,

"Absolutely." Her response almost seemed more a growl than a word, but he didn't particularly mind…at all. One of her hands snuck down to the sensitive area between his legs without him noticing until suddenly she was stroking his shaft, teasing. His hips bucked slightly, and on that note he dragged her into the bathroom, pulling them both underneath the hot flow. While he was not at all objecting to the sex, he found it strange that she had yet to kiss him. Generally she was one of those women who almost liked kissing more than sex. Almost.

Pushing the concern aside for a moment, he rubbed his hands up and down her sides gently, allowing his fingernails to run along her skin every now and again, watching the gooseflesh rise all of her body, her nipples hardening and darkening. She shivered slightly, involuntarily and he laughed slightly, pulling her into his arms, and thus more directly under the flow of water.

He waited for her to make the first move, not wanting to assume anything or cause her any pain, no matter how insignificant, because he still didn't trust that she was completely okay. Unexpectedly, she laid her head down on his shoulder, wrapping her arms more tightly around him. He rubbed her back gently and asked her what she wanted. She lifted her large blue eyes to his hopefully,

"Don't ever leave me." He chuckled, putting a little distance between their torsos, cupping her face in his hands.

"I never have." He placed a sweet, tender kiss upon her slightly pouting lips as a single tear escaped her right eye. She clasped her hands to the back of his head, crushing their lips together passionately, as though she were apologizing for every mistake, with urgency as though this might be the last time she ever saw him again. He reciprocated her passion easily, getting harder. Wanting to reassure her, he slipped his hands between her slick folds, one rubbing fast circles on her clitoris, the other pumping two fingers swiftly in and out of her. His mouth played with her nipples, sucking, biting and swirling to elicit deep, guttural moans. She moaned, her hips bucking against him until she screamed her release, falling against him somewhat limply. He kissed her neck, gently skimming his teeth over the sensitive, flushed surface of her skin. After she had recovered enough, he pushed her up against the wall, lifted her off the floor, and he slid into her gently, both moaning slightly at the contact. She had her legs wrapped tightly around him, as if afraid that if she loosened her grip, he might disappear. She took a little longer than usual to adjust to having him within her, he noted, but quickly pushed the thought out of his head, beginning to grind their hips together, thrusting at first gently, tenderly, then increasing his speed slowly. She squirmed beneath him, attempting to make him hurry, but he would not relent, instead set on putting as much love into the act as possible. He had almost reached his orgasm when her muscles tightened around him, pushing him over the edge as they exploded together.

He let her down gently, and she wobbled, trying to grip the wall to prevent herself from falling, but almost before her hands reached the tile, his strong arms were wrapped protectively around her. He removed his arms slowly, making sure that she could stand on her own before lathering some soap on a pouf and gently washing her skin. She smiled tiredly, gratefully. He grinned, giving her a quick peck on the lips before turning her around to work on her back. She didn't seem as tight as she had previously, but there were still a few knots in her back that he noticed while washing, which he then eased away carefully, earning him a moan of approval. He kissed one of her shoulder blades before going about shampooing her hair. When he finished, he sensed that he was supporting most of her weight, and thus lifted her. She protested, telling him to put her down, but he refused. He dried her off gently, sliding one of the hotel's fluffy robes over her body and then putting her to bed again. She huffed like a child, insisting she wasn't tired, but by the time he finished showering himself, she was out like a light.

He sat beside her watching her sleep and stroking her still wet hair. He pressed a light kiss into her temple before changing. He pulled out his phone, checking for messages. Discovering he had none, he took out his laptop and looked up information on fertility problems. She had thrown around a bunch of terms and acronyms that he didn't quite understand, and he wanted to be on the same page as she was, or as close as possible.

While the information seemed positively dismal, it was not completely discouraging. There was still a spark of hope, if they acted in this minute, if they had enough sex, there was a very, very, very minute chance that this could work. Obviously, it was not enough of a chance to get one's hopes up about, however it was possible. Maybe if they simply had sex enough, she would end up getting pregnant without even thinking that it was possible. That seemed to be more the way to go—at least to Mark's way of thinking. The worst-case scenario could not disappoint a person if that person were programmed to expect the worst while hoping for the best.

Whether or not Addison was able to get pregnant did not at all affect the way that he felt about her. Children had never been at the forefront of his mind, but as soon as he had found out that she was pregnant with his child, his entire perspective on the matter shifted. He wanted nothing more than to have a child with the one woman that he had ever truly loved. Although he still had doubts about his potential abilities as a parent, not having had good parents himself (his father was abusive, his mother absent). He figured that he could use them as examples of what not to do, and he could always use Derek's parents as the ideal. What scared him more was the fact that he occasionally lost control of his temper. He had never really hurt anyone in one of these fits of rage (or, at least, not anyone who hadn't been deserving—there had been an issue with a would-be rapist whom he had beaten off of Addison on one occasion—an event that neither particularly cared to recall. Despite the fact that his therapist had constantly reminded him—and continued to remind him—of the fact that he was not his father, and he could control his rage, he still worried that he would slip into the same abusiveness that his father practiced, and that was not something that he wanted to risk. It was promising that he had never physically hurt anybody that he loved, and the fact that he was in therapy was also a very good thing in that he would never allow anything to progress should he have a lapse even once, but those irrational fears still pervaded his thoughts.

Mark was no longer afraid that he would fail her by being unfaithful. He had been unable to think of any other woman since she proposed the sixty days deal, or really anything at all other than her. He was serious this time—all that he wanted was her, if she wanted him too. If she was willing to give them as a couple a real chance, he could confidently say that he would want only her for the rest of his life.

He knew how badly Addison wanted children, how badly she had always wanted them, so he was dedicated to finding a way for her to have a child—whether with or without him. If she was just merely confused right now, or he was reading all of the signs wrong and she wasn't anywhere even near thinking about giving them a try, he still wanted her to be able to have what she wanted, and he still wanted to be one of her best friends, regardless of everything else.


End file.
